SpaceX announces University of South Alabama as first school on Mars

By: Lucas Green

The colonization of Mars is inevitable as the interest in the red planet and commercial space travel continue to grow. When colonization does finally happen, there will eventually arise the need for primary schools and Universities on Mars. Students raised on Mars will become so adapted to the environment of the red planet they will have significant issues living on Earth if they wanted to return to attend college.

To combat this issue, SpaceX decided to look into current colleges and universities on Earth that would be an excellent fit to serve as the foundation for the Mars education system. Until now, the search had been kept secret as the company did not want universities changing their campus culture or teaching style to one that would make them more appealing to be selected.

The silence about the program was broken late Wed. March 31 by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk in an interview with himself. Musk announced that The University of South Alabama had been selected as the model university for the future of the Mars education system. When Musk was asked why he chose South Alabama, he responded, “Jaguars are just kinda cool, man.”

The other schools actively being considered late in the process were, The Evergreen State College Geoducks, the North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles, and the University of California – Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.

In commemoration of USA being selected as the first University on Mars, SpaceX announced they will be launching a monument from the University and the entirety of the humanities building into space to be placed on Mars. Both pieces of the university will be launched in SpaceX’s new cargo ship, the APFJ-21.

There were questions about why Musk would send the humanities building to Mars and not a building like the mathematical sciences and physics building or Shelby Hall. Musk answered, “Cause it says ‘HUMAN’ in the name of the building. Plus, somebody’s gotta teach the Aliens how to read.”

While the humanities building’s launch is definite, there is still debate on which University monument will join the building. The current monuments under consideration are, The Bell Tower, the bench with the statue Albert Einstein, The Chik-Fil-A, Azalea Hall, and half of the central parking lot.

Students, Faculty, Alumni, and anybody who kinda cares are encouraged to vote by following this link: https://forms.gle/U7o3eSJRKCc2RpjT9

At the end of his interview, Musk added that he is beyond excited for this announcement and said, 

“This is gonna be a great April Fools joke.”